A dim light does wander.

•July 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Once he found something that seemed so strong, but it was not.

He kind of stumbled into it, and it was magical.

His heart so full it was bursting and he felt wonderful.

One day it took a weird turn, and he followed.

Then it crossed a deep ravine, and he followed… cautiously.

Finally it dove behind a dark curtain and this time he waited.

When what felt like too much time passed, he took a peek.

Suddenly, shadows and monsters clouded the elegant sky.

A Black so devoid of color it could swallow a soul.

It was a terrible truth, but truth none the less.

Huddled near a dim light, inching in the dark to find a direction, the memory of what was once there, is a stronger beacon than it appears.

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Let’s try this again, this time with more feeling.

•October 22, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I started this blog a while back to vent, and then to create. Maybe instigate might be more appropriate.

I have fallen off though as things got somewhat turbulent. A couple of career maneuvers later, I have settled somewhere comfortable and
now want to pick up the pieces and well, throw them into this digital hole to be discovered or ignored as you or I see fit. As I believe I’ve gone over previously,
this blog creates a peculiar sense of duty, a duty i have neglected, but I think this neglect is reasonable given the circumstances. This blog is also an attempt
to anonymously vent the cries of a creative soul without bothering the folks I know, as sad as that may sound it’s really my own mental hurdle.

My goal is not to drown you in my problems but leave an open portal to hear my feeble attempts to be creative if your so inclined to peek.

It will be a little slow to start as I have no material ready, but I will try to maintain a more regular pace.

Traffic Light:

•April 6, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I know this road well, the tarmac grey with wear, and asphalt patches like ink splotches. I look at those and then the weird faded-and-somehow bright-yellow and white lines.
Dust probably flicks and swirls behind me.

I glance at the speed limit, hoping it has increased,.. 45.

I look at my speedometer.

A spot or so above 45, somewhere in the estimate range.

I start to move for the break but then remind myself cops don’t hide here, and even if they are it’s pretty unlikely they’d get me for the space between 45 and 50.

The sunlight speckles the highway through the trees and the trees leave skeletal shadows flashing toward me, a sparkling black river.

I notice ahead of me a car coming up. I think to myself about the times I’ ve slowed down to a crawl due to folks riding my bumper. So I adjust accordingly. My speedometer reads 36 like it’s daring me to pass them.

“What the hell,..” slips out of my mouth.

There’s no space for a move so I just wait for the split up ahead. I like to think it makes trying to pass them a surprise or at least less of an insult which tends to turn slow folks into race car drivers.
I spend a moment trying to understand why folks actually go under the limit so often here, and then as to why such an extent. I think about the times I’ve been on my way early and yet showing up almost late. The thought gets me heated, my belly gets angry a bit, and I ready myself to pass these folks.

Sometimes these people speed up at the split, and make it difficult to pass. Then they slow down to their 36 mph again just when the split ends.
When the split comes I watch the, (insert the shittiest car of the moment speech here).

I bet myself they take the left lane, people are afraid of the right. It’s too close to the woods and makes people think trees are going to hit them.

They drift to the left.

I jerk my foot toward the floor, not too much but I pick up the pace, and guide it to the right. You’d think that’d be enough, but somehow they’ve become incensed. They leave the comfy 36 and start to match my 46. I try to avoid looking over, but out of the corner of my eye I see them INCHING-UP!

I can’t believe it, but I can’t look over. I fear it would suddenly turn this into some pseudo, Wild West shoot out, and I’m trying to get to work, not race. I know this vehicle isn’t a sports car, and mine is no super stallion, but it does have a kick to it so jerking my foot to the floor, the car releases and then pushes forward harder.

I feel my weight sink further into my seat, and I settle in to commit; the lanes are narrow and people freak when trying to pass on the outside lane. I extend my vision forward to get a better perspective.
My car pulls forward, but now I’m doing 55 and accelerating, and though it seems they’re now blatantly trying to match me, I begin to pull away.

The speed limit has since changed to 50, but that won’t last for long, I take advantage of the narrow pass and allow my car to find 60 before I lay off.

As I come around the bend another car appears in the distance.

‘IT’S A FREAKIN’ VAN!’ I think so loud I wonder if I actually said it. I calm down, it looks like a work van, and most of those folks are on the same page I’m on, you know the one where I get to work early.

It’s already entering the merge and my only likeliness is stuck behind it.

The light build-up of adrenaline flushes out of me, and a feeling vaguely like relief turns into guilt.

I realize the light we’re about to approach is probably going to be red, or turning red. Of course it’s red, but if there had been no one else on the road it would have been green, I muse. It makes me mad about the situation I put myself in. Perhaps not mad, but embarrassed. As we draw to a stop my eyes flick from radio buttons to the window to the dash board, where I just stare for a moment in a doze.

After a moment I look up to the rear view mirror, I see the car I passed coming around the bend and closing.

I get a peculiar feeling, and makes me regret life decisions. The car I passed awkwardly, is about to catch up, and probably give me some, “See I told ya!” look.

I convince myself this is slightly paranoid, just in time to notice the light has turned green and the van has begun moving forward. I snap my attention out of my head and we’re back up to speed which lets the regret fade away, like the traffic light is a beacon for terrible feelings.

As this temporary posse of road-goers continues, my thoughts gently flow to the destination and the notorious other awkward traffic scenarios between here and there.

A first time NON-apology:

•March 25, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I know there was another large gap but it isn’t for lack of trying, actually quite the contrary. I started writing an article, and then it becomes far larger than just an article, so I continue working on it, before I know it time has flown I’m not done and I don’t have time to finish, the executive decision is that they will become works in progress. This has happened multiple times over the “break” and are starting to pile up.

As a result I have a lot of work and time spent on articles, but nothing finished ready for publishing so I’m stuck with another lame post. But I am heartened knowing that this is not due to a lack of follow through, or distractions, but because I AM following through, which had really never occurred to me as potentially becoming a problem. Perhaps writing every other day may be too much. I’ll maintain that as the loose rule for fear that should I loosen the reigns to accompany the time it takes to finish a decent story; the allowed time to pass between posts will grow.

All in all things are on kind of a track, and I believe soon enough I will have far more going on here than merely articles of aspirations, layouts of goals, and petty self-grievances.
TTFN ta-ta for now!

Traffic lights, tablets, books, and MORE distractions:

•March 21, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Much of my schedule was disrupted but I should be back on a more consistent basis.

I recently picked up a tablet and pen setup for visual projects. Something I’ve wanted for a long time now. I don’t consider myself a professional, but art has always had a pull for me so it really isn’t surprising I suppose. I had put it off for a long time as I had imagined it would take a lot of getting use to and learning new this and that. Well, I was wrong. It so far has taken little time to get used to, (though I have nothing on that plate). So I need a project for that now,…

Actually I have one; it’ll be designing an avatar. I have a pretty good idea what I want, but I need to brainstorm it out of my head onto the screen. But I have a good start, I have enough rough sketches, nothing is necessarily hitting the spot though. When I feel better about it I’ll post some of my brain storming.

As far as the books go I’m well on my way into “On Writing – Stephen King”. So far it’s been a lot about situations he feels “guided” him toward writing. Things that shaped how he writes or why certain genres interest him and others don’t and how that translates into his writing as well.

My projects on the other hand have hit a stand-still (unless you consider reading and “e-doodling” projects). I’ve also decided to try out removing all, if not most of my caffeine intake, which might account for my fantastic full nights’ sleep and — why I’m actually pretty tired right now  . I feel less like my head is racing though, which is a very noticeable difference. I’d like to keep it up straight through the rest of the week but I feel like that is less likely than me completely giving up gaming.

Not that I’m addicted, (I don’t think), but a lot of my beverage intake is based on caffeinated beverages and I’m not very fond of drinking water with meals. This may sound peculiar but it tastes gross. Water and meat, water and pasta, water and, well vegetables sound like they would work well but otherwise water and cake sounds disgusting. I don’t care for coffee so that’s not a problem. I don’t seem to mind caffeine free cola so far so that’s a plus. It pretty much tastes like the regular stuff except – less fizzy? I don’t really know how to describe it, the taste is exact – it just feels different.
Maybe I can try drinking soda for meals and lay off after dinner like decaf Iced tea? I’m not sure how long caffeine is supposed to float around after ingestion but ideally I’d rather cut it out altogether. I have to say the peace of mind is rather nice.

In the time I haven’t posted, I have been working on a couple super short stories, nothing intense or dramatic, just some cruising to get me writing about something other than my rather docile life. Especially since I think I’m abandoning the “rage about articles” concept.

Do people generally reference previous posts? I’m starting to feel like I need to add links to things so that could clarify things for first time readers. On the other hand, that really isn’t the point here either. So it’s settled, flark ‘em.

Since I’m pretty sure I’m kind of changing the direction of the ship, I still need to write so I started some light faire to instigate.

A Cluttered Extended Weekend:

•March 15, 2013 • Leave a Comment

For the sake of the project I need a post today. This sounds like an awful way to put things, but the reality of the situation is that I should be writing something, (as of right now), once every other day.

I would like to write everyday but I think at this point I’m still trying to develop a M.O. so I don’t necessarily feel the need to churn things out, but I also feel that if I don’t force myself to write something then there will be no pressure to push towards more meaningful posts. To summarize, I don’t think I have enough to say every day, but if I don’t force myself to write every day I’ll never try to have things to say. Does that make sense?

Well it sounds about right to me. I have a couple short story ideas on the table (read: in notes on a book on a table). I need to organize them a bit to flesh them out more any suggestions on techniques for organization for “the writing process” will be wildly appreciated. As of right now it’s a bunch of note books copied into documents in specific folders with no real order after that.

Not that I have a whole lot, but there’s a couple gems I think could turn into something interesting.

Worth mentioning: I’ve stayed away from part of the objective actively.

“What’s that?”

Well, another quasi-goal is to tear apart what I feel are “crappy” articles or comments, posts, etcetera, not to be rude but to develop counter arguments. I felt like jumping into this though might give my “hole in the ground” an overtly aggressive feeling, and I’m not interested in threatening anyone so perhaps I may have to find a way to circumvent this by either a new target, or a different version of “target practice”.

Considering this quasi-goal was initially going to be a large part of the writing here, this is actually a bigger problem than it sounds. Or maybe I just need to get stubborn.

Self Flagellation:

•March 14, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I’ve found that as much as this is entertaining, it has been easy to get distracted. This is something I really need to work on. Though I could list the reasons my recent distractions are valid and try to clear my conscience, I feel I’m only cheating myself. So I need to readjust.

“What about the books?”

Everything I could have hoped for so far but the fact of the matter is there is one I ordered that due to an odd shipping scenario had to wait for a proxy to deliver it.

On Writing – Steven King

I’m rather fond of King’s work, and felt a book about writing from a personal literary hero, would be a rather enticing read, perfect to spurn on the intent of this little castaway island. Unfortunately I’ve used this as a distraction from my current reading list. A reason to put off books I currently have queued up to read.

What’s worse is that while “waiting” for the book,… I slipped and took up gaming. So I have forced myself to come to terms with this. Make myself acknowledge, that in some small way, I have sabotaged myself and my project. I feel like forcing myself to put out a rather unprepared piece, airing my “self-qualms” would be a good way to ensure in the future that I don’t detract from my own personal goals.

I also acknowledge that completely dropping gaming is probably completely unlikely, but we will carry on, failure is only failure when you stop and turn around. If there is one thing I adhere to it’s that you can only get somewhere if you keep moving forward, even if its unperceivable, you slide backwards, or you take a wrong turn, you always need to keep moving forward.